I read a news story last week about the discovery that self-compassion is the key to a happy and healthy life. Researchers have found that being kind to oneself results in more resilience and courage in difficult times and more energy and creativity. According to Kristin Neff, a leading researcher in this area, the elements of self-compassion are: mindfulness, common humanity and kindness:*Mindfulness - simply observing thoughts and feelings instead of either suppressing them or letting them dictate behavior
*Common humanity - The realization that all humans go through difficulties and that when we experience hardship, we are not the first or only ones to have such trouble.
*Kindness - providing comfort to yourself AND committing to reduce future suffering if possible.
There are important distinctions between self-compassion and self-esteem:
The benefits of both self-compassion and self-esteem are the same. But the negative aspects of too much self-esteem, such as narcissism, are not seen in those with a high degree of self-compassion. Self-esteem is a view of yourself in relation to the external world, how you compare to others. It requires that you ignore your own faults and pain or that you consider others as somehow inferior. Having overblown self-esteem is not a truthful way of living and so not surprisingly, it results in impaired coping skills, emotional fragility, defensiveness, anxiety and narcissism.
On the other hand, being hard on oneself is also an ineffective strategy for living a happy and successful life. Self-punishment and self-criticism will likely lead to hostility, directed towards others as well as the self, anxiety, depression, lower energy level and self-sabotaging behavior such as procrastination. And my guess is that it could also be associated with poor physical health.
Self-compassion does not equate to self-indulgence. Those who are self-compassionate are better able to recognize their own faults, take more responsibility for their actions, are less afraid to fail or face difficulties, show more diligence and perseverance. Self-compassion helps to assure that goals are in line with self-interests. It reduces striving for that which is destructive and can prevent addictive behavior. It helps to motivate behavior that is healthy.
We can cultivate self-compassion in yoga by learning and practicing the yamas and niyamas. We can improve our mindfulness by practicing meditation. We can practice being kind to ourselves when we struggle with that difficult balance pose, get a glimpse of our imperfect bodies during class or even when we don’t quite have the time and energy to make it onto our mats.
Here is a link to Kristin Neff's book on this topic. I haven't read it yet but it is on my wishlist. Couldn't we all stand to learn a little about how to be kind to ourselves?

